as seen on facebook
this was originally posted as a “note” on the facebooks
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25 (minus 15) random things about me
This will hopefully be the best one of these you read all day, because it only has 10 items on it. Plus, it is AWESOME. If I tagged you, you don’t have to do it… I mostly tagged you so that you’d sigh and go, “oh, not another one of these” when you saw I tagged you because you’ve probably been hit with this meme 20 times.
(numbers mixed up for extra dada)
7. There are certain words that I hate… not based on what they mean, but just because I can’t stand how those particular collections of phonemes sound. Examples: Moist, grunt, squat, squirt. All of these words sound like a baseball being thrown against a wall of meat. I also disapprove of “pants” and “panties” as words (although not as concepts/products).
8. A few of you will no doubt be tempted to post some or all of those words on my wall (I foresee a few people wanting to write “MOIST PANTIES” on there). I guess you can, if you want to go for the low-hanging comedy fruit, but just know that it says something about you.
5. No one has a better story than me about where they were when they found out Obama was declared the winner on Election Day. No one. I can’t tell the story, because I signed a nondisclosure agreement, but the few people who know will vouch for the implausibility and sheer awesomeness of the tale. (I lied, Barack Obama may have a better story. HAHA, WHEN I FOUND OUT THAT BARACK OBAMA WON I WAS ACTUALLY IN HIS SKIN, THINKING HIS THOUGHTS!!!).
2. What I wanted to be when I grew up? Dead, probably. I was not a happy child, although I’ve lightened up considerably since then.
4. I love all of you, really… but please stop sending me facebook applications. I’m not going to give a Buddhist blessing to my little green patch while getting “spanked” with a “sexy poke” or however those kids are doing the cybersex these days. Super Pokes are fine (especially if it’s something you’re sending to just me instead of everyone you know), and that Tom Waits one is pretty funny, but otherwise? I may very well not install it. Please know that I still would love to hear from you.
9. If I had a totem animal it would be the serpent (you know, of “garden” fame).
6. Because I have no idea how to characterize my spiritual beliefs, here are some descriptions I’ve used on Facebook: Quaker; Taoist; Quaker, Taoist, kinda half-assed about both; Vaguely Gnostic; Reform Jedi-ism; Alchemist; Latter-Day Dadaist; Less is more; A melange of liberal Christianity and Lebowski veneration; Saint John Coltrane, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death.
1. I’m OK with “politically correct” speech. I don’t think it is at all unreasonable to have some input into how other people refer to you. I believe that people in any demographic can determine how they want to be addressed, within reason… it was super annoying when Richard Dawkins proposed that atheists call themselves”brights.” I don’t object because of anything I have against atheists (many people I love are), I object because Dawkin’s marketing sense is full of fail due to the fact that the word “brights” is just REALLY FUCKING GAY. Using “gay” as a slur is pretty gay itself (but haha, I get to do it, for the same reason I don’t get to drop the N-bomb). I try to not used “retarded” very often; I fail, but always feel bad. I think women have an inalienable right to not be called bitches or be referred to as any one of a number of unpleasant vaginal synonyms, as if they were inherently nothing except for a sex organ.
But I tell you motherfuckers, you will pry the word “douchebag” and all of its possible permutations from my cold. dead. fingers.
10. If I believed in the Second Coming, I’d believe that on that day the skies would open up and a 50-foot tall John Coltrane would come down from heaven on a cloud.
3. If I were ever to write a suicide note, you could expect “the hopelessness of a world in which Taco Bell Bacon Gorditas are allowed to exist” to be cited as one of the main reasons for the decision. I’d also probably call some people assholes.